A phone a Superhero can be proud of.

Greetings fans, it is I, the mighty superhero, Captain Galaxor! As a superhero I have great difficulty choosing the right phone. It must fit in with my secret identity as a hyper-awesome business CEO/playboy by day, yet not look out of place with my costume when I take on the scum trying to ruin my great city at night.

I need a phone that allows the mayor to contact me at a moment’s notice. A phone that lets me download from the superhero network at a mind-numbing 26mbps. A phone that can have up to 80gb of memory for storing criminal mug shots, the full soundtrack to any films made about my life, my latest audiobook, and an app that allows me to remotely control the Galax-mobile. The Samsung Galaxy Note II gives me all of this and so much more.  

The Note II’s quad-core 1.6ghz processor and 2gb of RAM allows me to stay ahead of all of the super-villains I clash with almost daily (you’re welcome by the way). HTC-man, Nokiarmour, even Sgt Apple-core, all pale in comparison when faceing my latest gadget’s might.  

It also houses my secret weapon. The “S-Pen”. With the S-Pen I can take down notes on cases, scroll through websites without smudging my screen, sign business PDF’s with my signature, draw new designs for my latest costume, even poke annoying people with the pointy end. The S-Pen truly is mightier than the…err… S-Sword! (Legal-note: If any super-villains do try to defeat me with an “S-Sword” I reserve the right to use other weapons that may or may not be at my disposal).  

The Samsung Galaxy Note 2 is the ultimate smart-phone. A palm(tree)-sized powerhouse that leaves all other phones in its wake. The phones of my staff, super-model girlfriends, even my trusty butler Cornelius, all now appear laughably small and fiddly. To any who feel this stunning phone deserves a title and class of its own, I salute you. To any who think that this class should be called “Phablet”, I would like you to know that I don’t know who you are, I don’t know what you want. What I do have is a very particular set of skills. I will look for you, I will find you…  

I understand that some, maybe even many of you, reading this review may not be super-heroes. You may think that means that you should not use phones worthy of super-heroes, but you are wrong. The Samsung Galaxy Note II is the only phone I would now trust to call a super-villains mummy when he threatens my city, and it will be the only phone you will want to use too.  

Signing off,   Captain Galaxor the Mighty and very Cool.  

Expansior!

This review was written for Expansys.

The Lucky Card

The guys at Solopress have asked for short stories that include a business card and a place in the UK. I may have taken that premise a little too literally.

Look, I can’t speak for other species. I don’t know if this applies for lamps, mobile phones, televisions or that stuff that accrues in the bottom of kettles, but I would like you to know, on behalf of all of my species, that we are sentient. We have feelings, fears, aspirations, job security and talents. We have our own name for our species but as the chances of you being able to pronounce it are so remote, it’s probably best that for now that we just use the word you came up with to describe us. Paper.

As a species, we have a surprising number of similarities with you. Socially and culturally I mean, biologically you guys are a mess. An over-complicated  greasy mess. I mean, come on, do you really need to be so smudgy? Sorry, I’m getting off topic. Back to the similarities.

Like you, we have a long proud history. I’m not entirely sure how far back we date, but I met some Papyrus once, he was pretty boring so I am guessing he was very old. We have a rich, beautiful language. You call it “rustling”. Once, on television, one of your Australian vet-show presenters brought a piece of card on stage and proceeded to wobble him in a way that made a funny noise, so I guess that means we sing too. We didn't think it was singing at the time of course, we just mocked Bob for being wobbled on national television, but I think that counts as singing. Well done Bob.

We also have laws. Well, we are laws… same thing. We even have a justice system. If you break a law you get sentenced to time as toilet paper. Not only is it a pretty strong incentive to not break the law, but it also led to the creation of the phrase “flushing your life down the toilet”. You’re welcome!

When we are young we have very few responsibilities. I was sent to a pre-school where I was covered in felt-tip, glitter, crayons and PVA glue. To be honest I am fairly ambivalent about crayons, felt-tip and glitter, but PVA tastes amazing. It’s heavenly. Seriously, one of the greatest flaws in humanity as a species is that you guys don’t use this stuff past the age of 6. It baffles us why you don’t. After pre-school I was sent to the recycling facility before returning to school. I was an economics exam. I did pretty well, they wrote a “B” on me so I got to go onto University, so I went back to the recycling facility and then continued as an economics paper. I passed again and started to look into finding a career. My father was hoping that I might go back to school as a teacher like he did. He is a history textbook, Medieval History Vol.3. He works at a good school, has very little graffiti on him and is unlikely to be replaced in the near future. I could have gone into a similar career at the same school and done very well for myself, but it just wasn't for me.

I looked at what my friends and classmates were doing. A few had gone into banking as cheque-books, statements and the like, while others had gone publishing, new-reporting and novels. One even heard the religious calling and became a Bible. He is very proud of himself and acts morally superior, but let’s face it, he sleeps in a hotel drawer. He’s hardly a Gutenberg.

I wanted to build on my education in economics and went into business. I am a Business Card.  It’s a good gig really. I look great, get plenty of comments on my appearance, and travel in a small, custom engraved, sterling silver case. Not a bad life at all. We also get to look forward to “The Big Day”. The Big Day is when we are handed out to truly do our job. It’s what we train for. It’s when we get to make a difference. We hear stories of other cards adventures from the great, to the, err… not so great. This is my story.

I work for a young ad-exec. He’s got good taste because, like I said before, I look good. I was printed in Southend-On-Sea but I’m now based in London. Nice place, busy. We travel a fair amount and my colleagues have been handed out for a variety of reasons. Anything from a Bar to a Boardroom. My Big Day was in a meeting. I hadn't really been paying attention and when I was removed with a flourish from my case I only had a chance to flash a grin at the world before I was placed face down on the table. Not quite the grand entrance I had hoped for. I felt a quick bit of scribbling on my back before I ended up in the wallet of the guy I work for. I was embarrassed. My Big Day, my mission, had lasted 20 seconds and I had spent 18 of them with my face on the table, and then I ended it by being in the possession of the same person I work for. I had failed my mission, and, once he notices I’m in his wallet rather that the card holder, I’ll be returned to face to ridicule of my colleagues. My reputation will be in tatters.

To add insult to injury, 3 hours later, before he could even find me, I dropped out of his wallet as he went to pay for his drink and found myself on the floor of a pub. I may not have paid quite as much attention in training as I should have, but even I know that as missions go, mine was a fail. There is very little glory on the floor. There are puddles… but no glory.

I have to admit, for most of the time that I should have been forming a proper plan I was trying to learn how to fly. I had seen other sheets do it, sort of “waft” through the air. I was starting to think I was never going to achieve this moronic goal when, Lift Off! I was flying! Okay, I had been kicked by accident, not a glamorous take-off certainly, but now I was soaring through the air like a glorious, well dressed paper-aeroplane. Like a perfectly engraved… Unfortunately I didn't get to finish that synonym because I had landed in a puddle on a table. Puddles suck.

I’ll gladly admit I am not the best at flying, but it was my first time dude, you try it! Puddles are a problem for paper. We don’t take to liquid well. I had found my end in warm table lager. Not quite the glorious end to the epic tale I had envisioned while sitting in my card holder. I lay there feeling the luke-warm bar-puddle seep over me whilst trying to ignore the German beer-mat who was laughing at me. What a tool.

Then a thought hit me. Like lightning hitting my brain, only with less chance of turning me into kindling. I wasn't deteriorating. I was complete. But why? Of course! I have a light gloss coating. I’m a premium card sir! Waterproof. My story wasn't over. I was in the process of coming up with my next plan when a waitress tidied the table. A beer rag ran over me, I was carried, dropped, and found myself in a large glass bowl filled with other, less well designed business cards. I would probably have made more friends if this hadn't been my first verbal observation, but like I said… I look good.

A couple of days passed. Every now and then a new card would be dropped into our glass prison. It wasn't fun. Finally a hand reached into the bowl. I was sticky from the beer puddle and adhered to his fingers. He had picked me. He didn't want to, but I’m sticky. I won.

The Barman rang the number written on me (Helvetica: Size 11 font. I look good) and a few hours later my owner arrived. He had come to collect me…. And the new iPad and night of free drinks I had won him. There was even a gasp of excitement from him when he spotted the note he had scribbled on my back during the meeting. I’m still not sure what he actually wrote but I am pretty sure I saved the world that day. That’s what I told my colleagues anyway. They all worship me now. I am the story they tell. I am the legend of the Business Card game. The winner. The returner. The flyer. I am the lucky card… and I smell slightly like beer.

This story was written for Solopress, my creators, so that they may know the epic journey they sent me on.

The Perfect Game for the Wii U?

Ever since the Wii U was announced I have been thinking about MMO gaming on a console. It has been attempted in the past with hybrid games designed to play to the strengths of both the PC and the console, but it has ended up amplifying the flaws of both, resulting in mediocrity.

One of the main problems a console is said to have with an MMO is that the lack of a keyboard removes the ability for large numbers of players to communicate with each other. I have never really understood this problem. A friend of mine at one point had 4 guitars, 2 drum kits and a microphone in his lounge for the assorted AirBanding games he loved. If a drum kit can be made for a game then certainly a keyboard peripheral could be made specifically for a console MMO.

The major advantage a console has for MMO gaming is the standardised hardware. PC gamers can spend vast amounts more on their rig to ensure genuine advantages over other gamers, even if that is not reflected in their skill level in game. The standardised hardware offered by consoles would allow the better players to rise to the top and receive the online glory we all so crave, rather than those with the deepest wallets.

Surprisingly, the Wii U seems from the outside to be almost perfect for this, though I have yet to try one. The GamePad could change on a second-by-second basis to the function you require at the touch of a button. From a map of the surrounding area, to a touchscreen keyboard to chat to people you need to help you. From showing you the contents of your bags, to on-the-fly gear changes to ensure you are wearing the perfect loot for the quest in hand.

So, the perfect game. It seems to almost build itself into these parameters. An MMO designed from the ground up to be played on the Wii U and to take full advantage of the GamePad. The standard MMO formula is still very effective. You start as a new and painfully unpowerful character and quickly rise in level, completing quests in a beautiful world in desperate need of your help. Obviously the grind for XP must be disguised, and there are a number of ways to do this. By implementing a layer system you can subtly alter the differences in the game world to show you progress without affecting its appearance for players who are a slightly lower level than you. We call these players n00bs. They deserve to be pwnd. We are better than them. Look out for people who pwn you. They have no life.

The player led improvement is vital to the perfect game. XP has been implemented games such as Call of Duty because a huge number of targets, each only slightly ahead of the previous, make it possible to feel you have advanced even if you only had 1 hour to play. Or many levels can be gained if you plan to power through a 48 hour gaming marathon fuelled by energy drinks, sweets, crisps and dangerous levels of coffee. We call these “weekends”.

Plot is vital. The game should be vast and the story needs to reflect this. As this is the perfect game I feel I can bring in whomever I’d like to write it, so, here we go. The main plot to be written by Brent Weeks. If you haven’t read his “Night Angel Trilogy” or started his “Lightbringer Series” then you need to finish this blog, buy those books, shut yourself in your room, and power-read. You may then go shower. And eat.

By allowing players to increase their abilities but retain their vulnerabilities you allow characters to rise in power yet still be threatened by the world they so valiantly stride through. You allow yourself to destroy all the foes around you, or ever so bravely hide behind a rock so that your friends can come and rescue you.

Again, as this is the perfect game I am bringing in the best. The guys who made the landscape in Red Dead Redemption will mysteriously disappear from Rockstar. So will anyone who helped with the combat system in the Arkham series. If the word “Bungie” or "Turbine" is on your CV then you are welcome too.

Music by Clint Mansell, or maybe John Murphey (listen to the score for “Sunshine”, Kanada’s Death, Pt. 2. It will haunt your dreams).

It’s about time I told you what this game is about. Some people say that the zombie genre has been overused, and that it is dying. A fair point, well this will be the game that reanimates it and lets it scratch at your front door, moaning softly. A Wii U based zombie MMORPG survival game, but here is the twist. All survivors use a Wii U, with game mechanics crafted for the Wii U’s GamePad, and the zombies will be controlled by PC users for free. A completely free game for PC users where you can control zombies attacking the Wii U controlled survivors. To keep numbers high, NPC (A.I. controlled) zombies will be used too, with the NPC zombies being the slow, bumbling, vast numbering, classic Romero zombies, and the PC controlled zombies will be customizable and upgradable. If you want to be a scout you could use kill points to upgrade your speed, or perhaps you want to command others, so you eat brains to increase intelligence, allowing you to open doors or command NPC zombies to attack a target.

The Wii U players will start with nothing, possibly in a kitchen with a zombie at your door. You find a knife, or a broom, or something really heavy, like an Xbox 360 power brick, to defend yourself with. You kill your zombie and escape. Find food. Craft a better gun, or find a sword stuck through the abdomen of the zombie shambling towards you. Find people to help you, to take you into their settlement, if you find supplies for them. You find a map as some of the surrounding area that now pops up on your gamepad.

You see a backpack caught on a fence and put things in it, organizing them with the touch screen. You tape some metal to the sleeves you your jacket to make yourself harder to bite using, you guessed it, the touch screen pad on your GamePad. Maybe your friend gets a Wii U and wants to play. He starts the game, escapes from his house and starts wandering around. After a while he finds some graffiti on a wall that you have sprayed there saying “James, Mark, We’re at the lake, come find us. Chris”. He looks at his map, sets a waypoint, and makes his way there.

Or perhaps you play for free on your computer. You wake up in a hospital on a gurney in a crowded corridor. You attack some doctors and make your way outside. You kill some NPC humans. Clearly not destined to be survivors… they tried to attack you with a spoon, the fools. You spend some kill points and now you can climb. You make your way to a rooftop, see someone by a wall and make your way towards him. By the time you get there he has left, but there is some graffiti on the wall. You cannot read it. Do you spend some kill points on increasing your speed to chase him? On your senses to track him? Or on intelligence so that the blurry graffiti suddenly becomes clear and you remember how to read for a few minutes? Perhaps you think he is a lost cause and you instead decide to move slowly around, trying to act like you are controlled by a computer. You have increased your intelligence so you remember how to communicate for a little while. You convince some other player-controlled zombies to act like NPC’s too. After a while a raiding party of Wii U survivors comes to town. They walk past some of you and you press ‘E’ to moan, signaling the attack. You all burst forward and attack them, destroying them. One of them cut your arm off. You don’t have an arm now. Awkward. So, you feast, and they wake up in a kitchen… hmm which knife should they use?

This is an entry to the Perfect GAME competition for the chance to win a Wii U from GAME